Promotional image of Oscar-winner Gwyneth Paltrow emerging from a stylized depiction of the female genital anatomy.
Enlarge / Promotional picture of Oscar-winner Gwyneth Paltrow rising from a stylized depiction of the feminine genital anatomy.

Gwyneth Paltrow—actor, pseudoscience-peddler, empowerer of girls, and one who lately discovered what a vagina is—will return to Netflix with a second season of The Goop Lab.

The six-episode docuseries of Paltrow’s wellness and “contextual commerce” empire, Goop, has been renewed, based on an unique report by Selection.

The primary season, which oozed onto the streaming platform in late January of this 12 months, adopted Paltrow and her exploited Goopers as they aimlessly took to the excessive seas of junk science and marinated in snake oil spas. Particular person episodes explored essential subjects akin to the intense aspect of hypothermia, the powers of a magician who can therapeutic massage your aura with strikes he discovered watching The Karate Child, Goopers tripping on mushrooms for just about no cause in any respect, the advantages of a $50 salmon fillet, and methods to be a fortune-teller in case you want a back-up profession within the circus.

The brilliant spot of the season, by far, was an episode that featured the work of feminist intercourse educator Betty Dodson. Not solely is Dodson a educated and revered knowledgeable in her discipline and a worthy individual to amplify, the episode featured an change between her and Paltrow by which it turned painfully clear that Paltrow doesn’t have a agency grasp of the feminine anatomy. She actually didn’t know what a vagina is.

Goopy previous

In fact, none of that is stunning to these conversant in Goop. Previous to its Netflix debut, the corporate was maybe greatest recognized for promoting—and making allegedly unlawful well being claims about—a jade egg supposed to be shoved up ladies’s vaginas. (Though, primarily based on the episode with Dodson, who is aware of the place Paltrow was really placing it.)

One other merchandise on the mind-blowing lineup of Goop merchandise is a tool to spurt sizzling espresso up your keister. The $135 enema machine known as—I child you not—the Implant O’Rama. There are additionally water bottles with big crystals inside to infuse your beverage with “optimistic power,” luggage of “magically charged” stones, and “power therapeutic” physique stickers falsely claimed to be made from “NASA area go well with materials.” Goop additionally bought $90 nutritional vitamins and a $350 rose gold loopy drink straw. It endorsed being repeatedly stung by bees, which may be lethal.

You would possibly assume—or hope—that with such full and blatant hooey, this “contextual commerce” model can be a dud available on the market. However sadly, Paltrow has constructed up Goop right into a $250 million empire, with storefronts popping up on a number of continents, and naturally the Netflix deal.

In a determined effort to see a silver lining on this tragedy of human folly, you would possibly subsequent cynically hope that the Netflix sequence was not less than amusing, an unwitting parody of grifter wellness gurus—full with a solid of absurd characters (Paltrow chief amongst them) in completely ridiculous situations. However sadly, that, too, is a disappointment. The primary season of The Goop Lab was as boring and dry because it was devoid of sensibility and important considering expertise. Paltrow’s feminine anatomy blooper was the clear climax of the six episodes, a shock paddle-delivered jolt to an in any other case lifeless sequence. If you happen to hear carefully, I consider you’ll be able to hear a member of the manufacturing group yell “clear!” proper beforehand.

Darkness forward

So—as solely becoming for this bleak 12 months of 2020—we’re gifted with one other six-episode season. And there’s no cause to assume that it is going to be any higher than the primary.

In feedback to Selection in February, Paltrow dismissed legitimate criticism of her sequence and empire by suggesting it was Web clickbait, solely produced to make revenue off her well-known title.

“That sort of media, lots of it’s dying. The enterprise mannequin is failing, they usually’re turning to the tabloidization to get the clicks,” mentioned Paltrow—a girl who put aside a dwindling performing profession to “milk the shit out of” the multi-trillion-dollar wellness business and make thousands and thousands touting pseudoscience.

Paltrow did magnanimously add that she is open to criticism if “it was one thing I might study from.”

Effectively, she has us there. We will solely achieve this a lot, you understand, past authorized settlements, court docket orders, and not less than $145,000 in civil penalties.

So on this horrible 12 months of unrest, with bitter and deep divisiveness and a world well being disaster stricken by misinformation, one other steaming pile of Goop episodes appears apt. And Paltrow has absolutely embraced the second: “What I feel is nice is that we’re a model that folks really feel strongly about,” Paltrow mentioned. “By some means.”

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